in all honesty, im lying about telling the truth.

did you think i was lying when i said i loved you?
that every word i said was false?
cause i meant every last thing that came out of my mouth.
did you think it'd be easy for me to move on?
that i wouldnt think about you again?
cause even though there's someone new in my bed, there's only one still in my heart.
and i listen to the wind, late at night, and it calls my name, in your voice.
and i curl up close, to anyone who comes near, it helps me to forget you were ever here.
because i bet you thought it was easy to let go,
i bet you didnt realize the things i said, about you being out of my head, couldnt have been further from the truth.
and if it makes it easier on you, ill tell you it didnt mean a thing
if it makes it easier on you, ill never come back,
if it makes it easier on you, i wont say whats really on my mind.
if it makes it easier on you, ill make sure that our song is never played
when youre scanning through the radio, looking for something to get me out of your thoughts.
but if youd rather hear the truth, you were all i needed, in the short time i had you.
if youd rather hear the truth, id do anything to be in your arms again, and i hope to be there shortly.
if youd rather hear the truth, i think i fell for you
if youd rather hear the truth, i play that song every night,
and i make sure the stereo's as loud as itll go, in hopes that the sound reaches you, in hopes that it breaks you down, in hopes that it drives you back to me.

and every night, i look to the stars,
but not even they, twinkling bright in the sky, can shine as much as you, and your beautiful brown eyes.

TOUCH.

skin to skin, like puzzle pieces pushed together so tightly in the place they belong, we belong here, in this moment, bodies interlaced, eyes glued to each other. we fit here, in each other's arms, anatomically, emotionally, mentally, we are one. no one else exists in our world, draped in sweat and dripping in romance. never have we felt so at peace. silence. but our bodies say it all, something beautiful, sang by a choir of our natural clothing, of our skin, every pore sings out a different tune. every smooth, tan piece of you screams how perfect we are. in touch with each other, we are now one. we are eternal.

on thoughts i have;

needles through the eyes, through the brain, out the other side.
oh deary me, it seems ive lost the key,
but i can see through the door,
and watch you muffling her moans, so i dont know.
noises in the mind, voices in the head.
do you hear that?
hallucinating, this one was real.
did you see that?
and blood streaming from the mouths,
the pitter patter puddle making the words you never could.
saying something about those pills, how many?
are they doing it for you?
can you breathe again, have you escaped?
pumping chemicals through the veins, convinced youre still alive.
i tried, in those highs, to write you,
but my pencil, it was upset with me, it walked away.
what normality? this is conformality.
youre just like the rest.
whos the man in my bedroom doorway, wearing the black hat.
is he a good one? scratches down my back.

some sort of love song;

hold on, you said. for you knew we would soon be falling, and you swore on everything you ever saw or knew, that you would catch me, pick me up, walk with me until we fell again.
i held your hand tight, never wanting to let go. and you said you would hold me, you said you would love me, until the end of time.
how illogical, of me to wait, wait for the end of the world, see if we were still together like you said we would be
i could have just stayed in those moments with you,
laughed with you,
sweetly, gently, made love to you, each kiss on the forehead a drop of paint on the canvas of what we soon, one day would be.
but rather than wait and watch the beauty between us, i moved forward, to the end, to see if your promise held true.
i love you, i do, i wanted to tell you, with you big blue eyes, staring straight into mine.
but i was shy.
i always was afraid to look people straight on, they see through my brown pools of liquid, through the mask, into my sould, see who i really was.
but i never really could honestly tell you how i felt,
so i looked you in the eyes, as long as i knew how,
until i was sure you could hear the nonverbals hidden there
to make sure you could hear:
"never leave me, take my hand, lets go far away. lets change our names, and forget everyone else, buy a little block house on the hill, and live happily ever after, alone, just us two, and our love, and your perfect eyes, deep pools of blue, looking into my soul, saying i love you."

click on the picture, see the better version. or else these are shit;

getting some of my photography on here,

i can get creative too?!

"i dont want to miss a thing";

somewhere lost in confusion, i let go of you. i knew it was in your best interest, although it was not mine. i want to hold you again, i want the laughs, the kisses,
i would cry and you wiped the tears
i would laugh and so would you
we were, somehow, in sync with one another,
like it was meant to be.
and i wont say we'll be together forever.
forever is something that doesnt exist, in reality.
it is merely a dream, something you wish and hope for.
so maybe we wont be together too long
but i want to try,
and i want to hope for a forever with you.

on berean auden;

they say you cant come back, why not? i just walked out, i couldnt listen to that. HE came back, why not YOU? his DUMBASS took the pills! oh...but you sold them. whyd you do that? you always had money, you didnt need more. was it necessary to risk his life, risk yours even? and i know you regret it, im sure you do. how could you not? but do you know i die every time i hear your name? i cry. i want you to come home, be normal, be sober,
quit your shit.

i can, i cant.

i can sing your favorite song in my best voice,
i can hold you in my arms and make the bad things go away,
i can kiss you like youve never been,
make sure you feel the way you deserve,
i can forget all the other boys like i never have for anyone else,
i can make you smile when youre feeling bad,
because your smile is my sunshine.

but, no matter what you say, ill never be enough.
but, no matter what i do, i wont let myself have you

never enough;

are you worried youre not enough for him?
youre holding his hand and your heart hurts because you know he deserves so much more, he deserves the world, and with you, all he has is one girl.
and you worry that your hands are too cold and he deserves to be warm
and when you kiss him, you do so with all your might, but you still worry its not good enough,
right?
and he's telling you youre beautiful and oh! how you want to believe him,
but its hard to believe what somebody says, when you cant see it for yourself.

haikus;

haikus i wrote for english class last year
and im pretty sure some of them are the wrong amount of syllables
but here:

5.13.09

Philosophize please
Sit down with me and let’s chat
Of things worth while

I don’t like summer
Especially in Texas
I’m not one for heat

Ask me a question
If you would like to learn more
I’ll do my best to answer

I hate that we’re here
Back to where we started from
I want to be there

Talk over me now
I am insignificant
My words mean nothing

Your hands are shaking
Cold, and empty, and so lost
Along with your breath

I want to be yours
With your arms around me tight
I will never leave

I hate not knowing
But I dare not start to ask
I fear rejection

november 30th, 1993

i was born on a tuesday,
it was a day like any other,
a typical birth,
with the usual "its a girl"
and all smiles
and being passed around to be "ooh"-d and "aww"-d at in my new pink blanket.
it was, to anyone, a normal day.
in all honesty, that day was the beginning of the end of the world.

in fits of depression;;

youre fucking making me go insane. its not something that can normally be forced upon a being, but from you to me, it is. its not even an option any longer, i have been pushed to my edge, closer to the ledge, and youre all at the bottom screaming, "JUMP". but i cant. im pleading, "please dont make me do this."
you've put the pills in my hands, the blade to my wrist, and say, "fucking do it." you wont leave me alone until ive done something wrong. im taking too much time, youre growing impatient, and im ready to do it. just to give you the satisfaction, ill do as you please.
you pushed me to the edge, and its thanks to you that im gone, and youre now feeling oh-so-very content with yourself.

BCain 09

an old friend;

inspired by ben whorley;

its nearly been a year, found you sippin on your beer when you offered me a ride home. talked about insanity, whispered some profanity, it was the first time i didnt need a reason to smile. you took me to your new place, such a familiar face, had a bowl or 2. i gave you a fairy ball, let it represent my heart. when you have a hard time, when you cant seem to find a rhyme, listen to the bells, the tinkling fragility of a heartbeat in your brain. tell me what you dream, what you fear, what you feel, what do you hear? cause its nearly been a year, found you sippin on your beer, when you offered me a ride home.

and i know, that if i try hard enough, if i close my eyes, and just jump, i can fly, away from this hole, where i am going nowhere, and go whereever i please.

nobody knows what everybody knows;

all you ever were
youve always amazed me, from the very first day.


you know when youre asleep
and youre dreaming youre falling from a cliff
and you jump in your bed
cause it startles you?

or when youre asleep
and youre having the best possible dream
about the greatest thing youve ever imagined
and when you wake up and realize your still in bed
and how disappointed you are?

or when someone tells you your beautiful
and the funny thing is
you just woke up
and decided you had to go to the store
and so you feel really great
knowing they appreciate you just how you naturally are?


well, being around you was always more surprising, more amazing, more disappointing
than all of those things combined.



love stories always made me sick
how so much beauty is expressed in them
and how so very untrue you know they are.

but now that ive felt it
ill always have more respect.

poor cinderelly, all dressed up in her finest clothes
to impress the boy she loves.
poor snow white, asleep in her casket
waiting for love's true kiss.

i wonder if theyll ever realize
that they, themselves,
are always enough.

i wonder if ill ever realize
that i, myself
am always enough..

on reality;

they say everything happens for a reason but i honestly cant find a logical reason this time. it seemed everything was going so well it was working out fine and we didnt need anything else. we would have pointless little fights and we'd both get so worked up over them even though we knew it'd be fine in the end. you know i only fought to see how hard you'd fight back. and i'd only say i'd leave to see how much you'd beg me to stay. you would always do your best to put a smile on my face and it almost always worked. you would try so hard and i'd shut you right down. now you hate me for it. i only did it to see if you'd think i was worth it. did you think i was worth being stepped on and kicked when you were down. of course not. maybe i thought too much of myself in those moments. but it was your fault for telling me i was better. so you see maybe its really your fault in the long run, although you blame it on me. maybe its your fault were fighting our last fight. and i dont think i can fix this one. you know i can easily act naive and act like nothing ever happened. i could easily forget every conversation, every i hate you, every im sorry. but i could never forget you. and it gets harder and harder because somehow i always see your face. and i really dont want to. you haunt me in my dreams, you just wont leave me alone. no matter how hard i try i just cant seem to shake you from my thoughts and its frightening. id give up everything for you, and i can see i already am. if only i had done this sooner.

lethargia;

you tell me you hate
the way my jacket smells,
just the way it always has.

at first i didnt understand
why that would be so bad.

all the memories tied in with it,
you say,
you cant handle it,
dont even want to go another day.

without you,
life is incomplete.
with you,
i cant even speak!

lethargia2;

the smell on your shirt,
the feel of your arms,
when they get goosebumps,
and all the little hairs stand up,
and touch my waist.
the look on your face,
those bright green eyes,
and mostly,
your long lost voice,
never will i hear it again,
but never will i forget.

it makes me feel lost,
and quite out of breath,
not seeing you ever again.

ill want you forever,
ill have you for never.
either way,
id like you for one more day..

;;

and you were the elegant spider,
and i, the innocent, unknowing fly.
i was captured in your web, your trap, your lies.
everything you ever said to me made up this glistening cage that could only catch someone like me, so naive.

i believed every word to come out your mouth

how very stupid was i.

the sound of your voice;

please, hold back. dont say her name. cause you know it hurts when you do. when she knows she cant have you. and yet you still say her name? what does she owe you for all of this pain? a slap on the hand, a kiss in the rain? something is wrong when you cant fall asleep cause all your thinking about is the one who left you behind. but theres something right when hes sitting there each night thinking the same thing. and she dances around, shows no pain, but inside her hearts dying, inside shes crying. and she holds her head high, with no help from you, and she looks proud. if only you knew, how she felt, how it feels to be left behind like this. its funny when you can fake a smile for anyone else, but all you can do for yourself is cry. and it sucks when you fall in love and cant be with them over something so small. and with every word you say, she adds a brick to the wall.

something is wrong;

the moons out tonight, full and as bright as the lit end of my cigarette. i look at it and think of you. the moon, that is. and over and over i repeat, "is he seeing this, too?" I take another drag, and ponder on my thoughts. i puff out the smoke and watch it float off into the night. something about the way i think of you, the way i tear up, and my heart drops. it worries me, the way i overanalyze the situation. when all you can think is "why'd he leave me," you know something's wrong. but im moving on. at least thats what ill say. everyday tell them im over you. everyday ill smile and pretend its true. everyday i'll cry myself to sleep, and try not to let anyone catch me with tears down my face. but when all you can think is "why'd he leave me," you know somethings wrong.

you came back, but not for me;

you say my name like its bitter, or like its some forbidden fruit. it must not be named. you choke on your words like theyre hard to swallow. you look me in the eyes, yours black as night. feasting on my looks, on my fear, on my pain. i know why you did this, i know what you gained. you did it to show me how much stronger you were. you did it to make yourself feel better. well does it make you feel bigger to make me feel small? i hope it does. and i hope when your in bed, tossing and turning, this haunts you. the look on my face, i hope it haunts you. cause my tears fall fast, as does my heart, but it is merely your fault i am in parts. i could never forget the way you looked the day you left. shocked, almost, and i knew you'd be back. you swore you'd be back. well where are you now? now that im alone. im hurt. im depressed. well where are you now?

creation vs. destruction;

and it gets harder and harder to get to sleep at night. sometimes all i wanna do is sit here and write. mostly about you, sometimes of her. mostly about you. and it gets smaller and smaller, the burden of carrying around these scars, they scare me, thats right, im worried, too. and all this matters so little to you. humpty dumpty, get all the men cause he'll never be whole again. and somehow the vine intertwined and made up our names to be read by everyone on earth. and i told you it felt like you'd put a knife to my throat in that moment when you begged me, "please dont go." what could i do? what could i say? all that was left was to push you away.
and it gets easier and easier to get to the point. get the words out, and youll sleep fine through the night. days go by quicker and nights drag on but its easy to tell when somethings wrong. but the scars have started to fade, and theyre not quite so bad. i have to admit, though. im still terrified. what would you have done if you didnt show up? if i hadnt screamed at you to call the cops? if i wasnt sent to the hospital, if i didnt get the stitches, where would i be if you didnt show up? and i told you it felt like you'd put a knife to my throat in that moment when you begged me, "please dont go." what could i do? what could i say? all that was left was to push you away.
and i was sent here to get help, but is it making it worse? all i keep repeating is that verse, that verse, that verse. i told you you're the only thing getting me through each day, but i wont lie about what im having to say: you arent the one, never were, never will be. but thats okay cause i swear im not even broken without you. i dont need you, i hate everything about you. but i love it too. and i told you it felt like you'd put a knife to my throat in that moment when you begged me, "please dont go." what could i do? what could i say? all that was left was to push you away.
and i swear its the last, and i swear ill do my best, work my hardest, ill forget about the monster under my bed shreiking our names and how perfect we would be, but i know differently. i never wouldve let it begin if i had know how it was going to end. and i told you it felt like you'd put a knife to my throat in that moment when you begged me, "please dont go." what could i do? what could i say? all that was left was to push you away.

changes;

sometimes life leaves you empty-handed and you dont know what to do or where to go. well, let me tell you, once you've hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up, so all will be okay.
mostly people cry over minor things, but just imagine going days without food, or being abused.
life is too short, and time goes too fast, so make the best of each moment.
every second youre still alive is a miracle, they say, so be thankful for it.
every one of us has different views, and that should be okay, if its not, get over it, cause its never going to change.
theres some sort of weird connection when fingers interlace, telling you you belong in this place.
and there are voices in your head telling you to go in for the kill, cause most guys only kiss for the thrill.
but unlike them, i see it. youre different, you look at me with caring eyes, trying to just teach me how to be whole, again,
cause i can barely breathe, a part of me is missing when youre gone
and i know, i know, you dont mean all those looks. ive heard about them, read them in books. people will always accuse you, call you crazy, do anything but say "i love you, i do."
and its almost scary what the world's come to, i dont enjoy it, i know you do.
paint, taint, caint, shaint, laint, zaint.
however you say it, its always the same-tuhmaytoe, tuhmahtoe, its almost ahvuhcaydoe, ahvuhcahdoe. i dont know.
something in the way you tease me, its begun to please me, and somehow when you squeeze me, its begun to tease me, somehow i see a pattern.
and i feel like im surrounded by 16 year old girls, and i look around to assure myself im not, but theres 15 of them. how does that look?
and ive always liked to talk about the view from a crazy person's window, and how different it is, but now im starting to see the similarities, youre not that different from me.
and tell me how it feels, even slightly, to know you cant go free, or dance in your own living room.
tell me when youre done letting your car put out exhaust, cause im exhausted.

allergies to the sun;

have i ever told you how truly beautiful you are? because if i have, i am going to say it again. it is not by any means your looks, but the way you talk, and the way you think. it is all far too much for me to comprehend, and i love that. i hope you dont mind, but i think ive fallen for you. and its actually quite silly, cause i barely know your name. but its becoming something amazing, even if it is only apparent to me. and the sound of your voice, and the look in your eyes, it has become my addiction. and i dont ever want to lose this feeling, and i never want you to leave my side. you are all i think about, day and night, all i dream about. and its probably not the best thing for me, because secretly i am falling apart knowing that it is so much more important to me, but i never want this to end.

something's changed;

he makes me so sad, im always crying. and he looks at my eyes like my tears are his pleasure. where are you, to hold me and wipe the tears? he never comforts me, because he likes it when im sad. im more vulnerable, easier to overtake when im down like this. and he likes that. he can do what he likes, i am his ragdoll, i never complain. cause somehow the way he screams my name as im held up against the wall, its beautiful, and it drowns out your words that replay in my head, they havent stopped once since that day way back when, but hearing him yell, it helps a little. the bruises on every inch of my skin, well im too busy inspecting them to overanalyze my thoughts, to think about us, how we were, how we'll never be again. i tell the doctors about you every time, but they just want to know about the scars. they want to see the bruises. they think theyre from you, cause they wont listen when i say it was him. they just keep asking me where youre at, for your full name, so they can get you. they want to know what im thinking. but i try to tell them and all they do is raise the dose, or put me on something new. none of this helps the pain of losing you. and every night before i fall asleep, i think about you, i whisper your name into the darkness, hoping that it will help me to see you in my dreams, seeing as i can see you nowhere else. and his voice is the worst, cause it sounds just like yours, but meaner. his eyes are yours, but they've lost all their shine. i still see you in him, somewhere locked inside, im wondering if youll come back.

somebody special;

i swear they dyed the sky
just to match your baby blue eyes
on this cloudless afternoon,

i bet they placed the moon
to look just like your crooked smile
on this starry night,

the trees were painted
your favorite shade of green
on this early summer morning,

because the world keeps spinning
for you alone, my love.

learning algebra with a cat;

phleur looks so much like a tiger, her ears are cocked, truly considering every word i say. we philosophize over math problems that i have a hard time understanding. i guess i kind of wish i was a cat. my owner would be a published author, obsessed with cats, and i, his cat goddess. virtually, i am his wife, his best friend, and his model, for he is an artist as well. i am the only living thing he has any desire for, and nothing else matters. i am all beauty, all perfection, and for his eyes only.

travel;

i took the long route on my way to you, so that i could think a bit longer. nearly the whole way there, my eyes were closed, looking up occasionally to know my position on the trail.
i think on the trip, i examined you completely, in my mind, and it was all less than expected.

untitled;

think,
everything you do,
process it through.
dream,
escape a little,
forget by morning.
see,
all that you can,
take it all in.
wish,
for whatever you’d like,
be careful what that is.
yell,
they’ll hear you,
never hold it back.
know,
what you need to,
all you want to.
cry,
let everything out,
and just wipe the tears away.
believe,
only what you feel,
anything else isn’t real,
laugh,
about everything you see,
and always at yourself.
do,
what you can and what you will,
and never regret it.
want,
what you deserve, what you need,
don’t let them stop you!
scream,
from your highest point,
when you’re low.
be,
what you want to be,
conquer the world.
forget,
all of the bad,
know what is worth remembering.
imagine,
everything you know,
change it how you’d like.
smile,
through everything,
show them you can handle anything.
live,
you will make it,
to the very end.
and dont forget;
always ask why.

illogicality;

nothing makes any sense anymore
besides the fact that we are not real
and we are immortal.
we are invincible,
and nothing can touch us as long as we stay up here.
we dont know where we are
nor do we know where we are going,
all we know is that we will get there-no matter what it takes.
we really don't exist,
we are fragments of some crazy philosopher's imagination,
he doesnt understand us, either.
things we imagine are not original,
they are just many things we know put together
to make up something that isn't really there.
but we are not like this at all to him,
he's got no idea where any of our characteristics manifested,
only that we are there, in his head
and we will never go away.

the purpose;

i asked "what IS our purpose?"
and this is what he told me:

the purpose of life is...
to not have a purpose,
to follow your heart and what you feel, not what your teachers will tell you is real,
to do what you know is right when they tell you it's wrong,
to be one with the earth and sky,
to worship who you think made you,
or to worship nothing at all,
to make life what you want it to be,
to never think of what 'should' be, or 'would' be 'if' things had been different, but instead what is,
and lastly, to find someone you love, FUCK their standards.

when times were a little easier;

i wish i was a time traveler. not like other time zones, no other eras, just back into memories that i can't get out of my head. i like being the type of girl you want to remember and can never forget, but i wish i was the type of girl that could forget. every one of you that has ever changed me, for better or worse, every one who has loved me, hated me, broke me. you all are in my head constantly. and my thoughts are so loud i cant concentrate on anything else. every one of you haunts me. i wish i could go back when i could still get up the nerve to talk to you, and tell you to shutup. tell you to leave me alone, go drown myself in liquor so i dont remember your face, and then years from that moment, i wont be sitting here thinking "what if things had been different?"

on that one suicide attempt;

you wonder how one can know so much at such a young age, how i can feel these things you didn't until you hit adulthood. well, let me tell you: i was young and stupid, as most of us are, and i cut myself open, to see what was inside. out came a light, something of true joy, and it told me to write, and now it's my life. if you cut me open, pulled me apart at the seams, you'd see nothing but words making poems about lost hopes and dreams.

on that day..

your intensity overwhelms me, i go limp and you control me, you overpower me. i can feel you throughout my body, it isn't just in my head. im gasping for air and the pain is something i cannot bare. i know if this ends, so does everything else. i am a doll, your doll, do what you will with me, pull at my strings, i am your puppet, wind me up and watch me go. your overwhelming scent stays on me for hours.

some sort of mind-trip;

whatever, whatever, she said awfully clever-like. i took one look and knew who she acted just like. it was you, in her form. somewhere dep inside you lie, i pointed at her brain, fingers through the eyes. i heard her final cries, i heaved my final sighs, and i wept to a deep sleep. inside there i slept, clinging to the trees. inside everyone is a part of someone else; whenever someone leaves, your heart hurts inside of me.

white noise;

i wasnt trying to scream into your face,
the words i said were never meant to hurt you,
i didnt mean a thing i said,
mumbling for the sake of white noise.

the things about me you said you hated,
the things that would help you to not miss me,
they play over and over again in my head,
without meaning, for the sake of white noise.

i didnt mean to break your heart,
i ripped it out before your eyes,
and i remember the sound of blood hitting the floor,
and as the beat started to slow,
i really dont worry too much,
in my mind for the sake of white noise.

summary of a day;

you walk around with your eyes glued shut, scared of what you'd see if you opened them, would it be too much? and youre screaming at the top of your lungs, you can't hear anything but the ringing of your echoes. you wouldn't dare listen to anything else, you couldnt handle what's really being said.

forget everything;

float away, from consciousness, from reality. from here on, you don't exist. so fly away, to wherever you'd like, find a new place to stay, some place in the clouds, something better, where there's a garden out front, and somebody always in your bed.

the first;

with explosions in the sky playing:

this is the first post i am doing.
where the hell do i start.
im having a hard time with alot of things right now
usually i just write in my journal
but it doesnt seem like enough
maybe this will help more
although eventually, im sure, it wont be enough either.
i really do think its just my meds right now,
i havent been taking them for like a week
so im just sinking back into that hole..
so im gonna keep taking them
and see what happens
and if things dont at least seem better,
....well ill see where to go from there.

but this is still bad.
i mean, if im sad off the pills
then im only happy on them, because im on them, right?
isnt that fucked up?
artificial happiness.
thats what thats called. yes.
i wish i could quit them.
i mean, i CAN.
im really not addicted or anything
but to be happy, i really cant. at least not now.
but i just wish i could be happy
without some aid.
without chemicals that are man-made flowing through my blood stream

i think ive gone through so many pills, blood doesnt even flow anymore
straight chemicals pump from my heart
throughout the rest of my body.

lately, boys are breaking me down. not just like hurting me, COMPLETELY breaking me.
and i hate it.
i wish berean would get home already
i have this false hope that he will make it all better
but not getting him when he gets back,
will hurt me more than not getting anybody else.
hes in my head, hes in my heart.

i've decided when im not at school, on their computer, and i have my journals with me, i will post some of my favorites of my poetry on here, too.

i am looking through old photos and i almost want to cry,
its terrible that the good times had to die.


BCain09