round of applause for half a year:

i already know you hate what i’ve become.

i always hated what you were.
we examined one another,
for hours on end,
days at a time,
six months straight.
i’ve already forgotten your face.
hardly remember your name.
now any boy to give me the least bit of attention,
he catches my eye,
and i hold on for dear life:
it helps me to forget.
losing you isn’t so bad,
if i can lay with someone new
every night in my bed.
as long as you know i do,
and it breaks you down,
it creates a hole in your heart,
and you’re falling apart,
just as i am.
we’re hiding it the best we can
(not very well at all).
your cerulean eyes,
i swear they’ll be the death of me,
i see them in my dreams.
they pierce me like knives,
through my heart,
out the other side,
the blood runs down your walls.
i did all i could,
i changed all i was-
did i keep you happy?
did it keep you holding on?
you fell in love with who you made me,
never who i was.
i remember in the car,
sitting in silence.
when it ended,
the day the feelings changed.
not a word was sad,
you looked at me,
i saw it in your eyes.
i turned away,
we took opposite paths,
we never once looked back.
we were both always so good at that-
pretending it didn’t hurt.

untitled/from 2 years ago

you know, in the pictures you look so happy,
how was i to know something was wrong?
you always had on your best smile
and swore everything was all fine.
but one night, without warning,
while i was asleep in my bed,
you snuck out the window and ran
as far as you could get.
you left us a note to say goodbye,
and told everyone it wasn't their fault.
you did the only thing you knew how to,
and took the pills you'd been hiding.
they found you in louisiana,
we still question how you got so far,
laying in an open field,
i guess you were watching the stars.
i wondered if they tried to stop you,
twinkling as brightly as they could.
i wonder if i could have saved you,
if i knew the pain you were in.
i wonder what you though as it kicked in,
did you try to act as if it were normal?
as everything closed in around you?
i like to think you thought about me.
i hope you prayed to the one you believed in,
hoping they'd understand.

i'm laying out in the field now,
where we used to play,
i have the pills i've been saving,
and now we need to talk.
i need to know how you did it,
i need to know- did it hurt?
if i do the same, can it be just how it was before any of it happened?
so i swallow them one by one,
and as the darkness surrounds me,
i swear i hear your voice.

mum found me not long after,
hers was the voice i heard, not yours.
i'll be in the center for awhile,
i promise i'll write every night.

forever untitled

i want you to hold me. i want you to lie to me, tell me it will be alright. i want you to be my blanket when my frail body is shivering through the night. i want you to be my legs, when i am too weak to hold myself up. i want you to be the stars when i look to the sky. i want you to be the gust of wind, making my hair terribly messy, yet so refreshing, i don't even care. i want you to be the bird outside my bedroom window, singing me to sleep. i want you to be the darkness, engulfing me ever so slowly, but surely. i want you to be the tears flowing from my eyes, that release of a day too long. i want you to be every word i say, express my feelings, that i cannot on my own. i want you to be my cigarette, calm and relaxing, with the beautifully graceful smoke. i want you to tell me i'll be okay. i want you to be my lullaby, put me back to sleep, and i want you to be my alarm clock, wake me when it's all over. 

broken porcelain

bones and skin: nothing beneath
her heart does not beat;
her eyes do not blink;
and where there once was a brain: a beautiful, intelligent mind,
absorbed all there was,
that once could tell you all there is to see,
all there is to feel,
now but a black hole:
empty, useless space.innocence stolen.
along with everything that once had been.
her lungs have collapsed,
her finger tips turned numb.
tell her you love her,
an emotion she cannot comprehend.
leave her and break her,
watch her not even flinch.
no tears from her dead eyes,
glazed-over eyes.
she'll reach out and ask for help,
giving the illusion there is something left.
but it is too late:
you cannot save her from herself.

a few words on love;;

lovers do not begin to love, they have always loved, just as the love they share does not end, but instead they forget how to show it. when the love is forgotten, however, let them not become enemies, but remain dear friends. sit quietly with your lover, silently communicating the deeply hidden emotions, let not your mouth express the feelings, but let the entire body, especially the eyes, convey what words could not.

if im worth your time, youll figure it out;

something about how you do it,
not what you do,
makes the whole perspective,
my view of you,
change completely.
you know, you could do
just what i tell you to,
and it wouldnt be enough.
maybe its the way i want it,
you being confused.
i want you to second guess me,
i dont expect you to figure me out.
are you unsure?
are you on the verge of giving up?
just as i let you in..

wandering;

i met a homeless man at the coffeeshop.
he told me he was ready to jump off the tallest building in town
and just get away from it all:



unsure of
where to go from here,
unaware of
which way is up,
which way is down.
and who does he tell?
the little girl
at the
coffee house.
all of his problems,
like theyll
suddenly
disappear
if someone else
knows.
here-
hold my problems
real quick,
ill be right back
for them.
and he never returns.
running away,
from all hes ever known,
he doesnt care
what he loses,
as long
as
this part
is gone.
alone since 16,
he doesnt know
who to go to.
used to not having
anyone.
and at this point,
its normal
for him
to be his own
best friend.
im listening:
i cant help,
though,
if you keep your guard up,
if you dont let me in.

perspective;

they see
and so they think they know.
oh, pure oblivion.
oh, sweet confusion.
sweet complication.
i saw the whole thing,
along side him.
and he told me later,
the entire story
had changed.
glorious misconception.
i know you hear me,
but disregard what i say,
write off the truth
if it doesnt agree
with you.
youre beautiful
as you look
the other way.

everything she ever said;
but what does it even mean?
just words.
and what are
words?
what do they mean,
what is the value of the things you say?
is it equivalent to the way they make you feel?
and what do those feelings mean?
do they really matter either?
how do you measure them?
in more words?
cause the feelings don't last,
they quickly fade,
just as they came,
and are hardly remembered for long...
its like this for everything, when you break it all down.
the farther along you go,
the less it
matters,
until it means nothing at all,
and you begin to wonder why you're even thinking about it.
and life becomes so plain
and without point.

perfectly
imperfect
mistakes.
are you
aware
that
you weren't meant to be made?
beautiful
creation,
for an
accident.
your flaws are that which define you.
they make you
who
you are.

currently untitled;

she never had too much without having too little.
i saw her, holding on too tight.
she wasn't doing any good being kept in her box.
hiding from the world what was on her mind.
i was there with her the day it fell apart.
and right by her side when life lost its spark.
mine was the name she addressed her final letter to.
and to me, the words were written:


"when they say
they can relate,
and that they
have the answer
to your problems,
dont accept what
they offer you.
for when you do,
you lose the
true meaning,
and it becomes
your life.
who wants to live
a life based on
something you only did
because of someone else?
in this, your life
is no longer yours."

ON SELF (and some pity)

breaking down,

just to build yourself back up,
just to break back down.
the viscious cycle
that
    NEVER
         ENDS.


it sucks you in,
        swallows you whole,
        spits you back out.


and you really dont know how to do any of it anymore,
best to keep your mouth shut,
keep to yourself.


but sometimes,
     you collapse.
the words stream from your mouth,
the cries, the lies, and coming out your eyes,
and leaking out every pore,
so everyone hears,
     and everyone sees,
             EVERYONE KNOWS.


and the secrets you've been holding in,
the ones you really never told
    anyone.
it all gets to be too much.


and back to breaking
down,
and you cant even build it back
up,
and you look for some help,
anywhere,
                                         and you pray.
              and you know hes not even there,
no ones really listening.
  but talking to someone, imaginary or not,
is, after all,
               better than nothing
       better than having no one at all.


RUN, RUN, RUN now,
        away from it all,
  i'd rather be weak when i fall,
and sink,
             than just dissolve.

bonsai;

i'm beginning to feel like a bonsai tree, strapped down to grow into what everyone else wants me to, stunted. so that i may never grow to my full potential. i don't think i'll ever be who i want to be, because no one will ever let me. maybe i won't let myself.. i just feel so silenced, i can't say what i want to, at least not loud enough for anyone to hear. i can't do what i want to, at least not when anyone else is around.

i guess people think it's alright to do that to trees, because it's "art". so maybe it's okay you do this to me, my suffering is beautiful, and something anyone would like to see.

"i just need time to think.."

i'll still be here, waiting for when you change your mind.
hoping that i'm the last thing you think of when you close your eyes.
i've decided, i have chosen, now it's your turn,
so yeh, you take your time, tell me if it's me or her.
i'll sit here for hours on end, playing that damn song.
please know i can only pretend it doesn't get to me for so long..
you know, it's hard to hold back the tears, just so no one asks why.
i'm sorry you don't like me when i'm sad,
that makes me hurt, you don't even know how bad it gets.
well, did she make you so very happy?
and did you feel even a little bad knowing i was alone?
you say it's just not the same.
well i apologize, i hope you realize things change.
and i can't say i'll wait around forever, i'm not so sure i could.
and when you say you feel so bad, i wonder how you think i feel.
it's getting harder to believe anything you say,
i guess i never really imagined it would be this way.
and i want you to know, i'll be just fine.
just let me know when it changes.