untitled/from 2 years ago

you know, in the pictures you look so happy,
how was i to know something was wrong?
you always had on your best smile
and swore everything was all fine.
but one night, without warning,
while i was asleep in my bed,
you snuck out the window and ran
as far as you could get.
you left us a note to say goodbye,
and told everyone it wasn't their fault.
you did the only thing you knew how to,
and took the pills you'd been hiding.
they found you in louisiana,
we still question how you got so far,
laying in an open field,
i guess you were watching the stars.
i wondered if they tried to stop you,
twinkling as brightly as they could.
i wonder if i could have saved you,
if i knew the pain you were in.
i wonder what you though as it kicked in,
did you try to act as if it were normal?
as everything closed in around you?
i like to think you thought about me.
i hope you prayed to the one you believed in,
hoping they'd understand.

i'm laying out in the field now,
where we used to play,
i have the pills i've been saving,
and now we need to talk.
i need to know how you did it,
i need to know- did it hurt?
if i do the same, can it be just how it was before any of it happened?
so i swallow them one by one,
and as the darkness surrounds me,
i swear i hear your voice.

mum found me not long after,
hers was the voice i heard, not yours.
i'll be in the center for awhile,
i promise i'll write every night.