round of applause for half a year:

i already know you hate what i’ve become.

i always hated what you were.
we examined one another,
for hours on end,
days at a time,
six months straight.
i’ve already forgotten your face.
hardly remember your name.
now any boy to give me the least bit of attention,
he catches my eye,
and i hold on for dear life:
it helps me to forget.
losing you isn’t so bad,
if i can lay with someone new
every night in my bed.
as long as you know i do,
and it breaks you down,
it creates a hole in your heart,
and you’re falling apart,
just as i am.
we’re hiding it the best we can
(not very well at all).
your cerulean eyes,
i swear they’ll be the death of me,
i see them in my dreams.
they pierce me like knives,
through my heart,
out the other side,
the blood runs down your walls.
i did all i could,
i changed all i was-
did i keep you happy?
did it keep you holding on?
you fell in love with who you made me,
never who i was.
i remember in the car,
sitting in silence.
when it ended,
the day the feelings changed.
not a word was sad,
you looked at me,
i saw it in your eyes.
i turned away,
we took opposite paths,
we never once looked back.
we were both always so good at that-
pretending it didn’t hurt.

untitled/from 2 years ago

you know, in the pictures you look so happy,
how was i to know something was wrong?
you always had on your best smile
and swore everything was all fine.
but one night, without warning,
while i was asleep in my bed,
you snuck out the window and ran
as far as you could get.
you left us a note to say goodbye,
and told everyone it wasn't their fault.
you did the only thing you knew how to,
and took the pills you'd been hiding.
they found you in louisiana,
we still question how you got so far,
laying in an open field,
i guess you were watching the stars.
i wondered if they tried to stop you,
twinkling as brightly as they could.
i wonder if i could have saved you,
if i knew the pain you were in.
i wonder what you though as it kicked in,
did you try to act as if it were normal?
as everything closed in around you?
i like to think you thought about me.
i hope you prayed to the one you believed in,
hoping they'd understand.

i'm laying out in the field now,
where we used to play,
i have the pills i've been saving,
and now we need to talk.
i need to know how you did it,
i need to know- did it hurt?
if i do the same, can it be just how it was before any of it happened?
so i swallow them one by one,
and as the darkness surrounds me,
i swear i hear your voice.

mum found me not long after,
hers was the voice i heard, not yours.
i'll be in the center for awhile,
i promise i'll write every night.

forever untitled

i want you to hold me. i want you to lie to me, tell me it will be alright. i want you to be my blanket when my frail body is shivering through the night. i want you to be my legs, when i am too weak to hold myself up. i want you to be the stars when i look to the sky. i want you to be the gust of wind, making my hair terribly messy, yet so refreshing, i don't even care. i want you to be the bird outside my bedroom window, singing me to sleep. i want you to be the darkness, engulfing me ever so slowly, but surely. i want you to be the tears flowing from my eyes, that release of a day too long. i want you to be every word i say, express my feelings, that i cannot on my own. i want you to be my cigarette, calm and relaxing, with the beautifully graceful smoke. i want you to tell me i'll be okay. i want you to be my lullaby, put me back to sleep, and i want you to be my alarm clock, wake me when it's all over. 

broken porcelain

bones and skin: nothing beneath
her heart does not beat;
her eyes do not blink;
and where there once was a brain: a beautiful, intelligent mind,
absorbed all there was,
that once could tell you all there is to see,
all there is to feel,
now but a black hole:
empty, useless space.innocence stolen.
along with everything that once had been.
her lungs have collapsed,
her finger tips turned numb.
tell her you love her,
an emotion she cannot comprehend.
leave her and break her,
watch her not even flinch.
no tears from her dead eyes,
glazed-over eyes.
she'll reach out and ask for help,
giving the illusion there is something left.
but it is too late:
you cannot save her from herself.